"I can't leave things alone... I'm a person just like you"

Events of one year ago come to me.

2010-10-28T00:05:00.004+08:00

I don't suppose you'd consider me a best friend. though from my opinion, i have considered you one of my closest friends despite not knowing you as long as others. it was you who knew all the intricacies of my stories and my psyche. it was you with the wisdom, and the patience to put up with all my avarice and moral ambiguities. you were, in my opinion, the morally superior one with the great grand vision for people.

of your depths of wisdom and knowledge.. much to say there is. You are one of two persons could talk on the same wavelength with me, perhaps because of how much we knew about stuff in general.. maybe on hindsight, there is something to your written references to Hades and Persephone in the underworld. you'd know by now...

All the memories, I treasure. All the random times we talked. I remember, exactly one year ago, you talked me out of a bad slew of depression after my dad said hurtful things to me and threatened to destroy my work. It wasn't much an ideal birthday for you to deal with me, but you made the difference that day. I wonder if I've made any for your sake..

I thank you for all you mean to me. Happy birthday, Blazerknight.

Kuro Yoru

2010-03-02T16:56:00.003+08:00

The clouds were, are dark.

Symbolic? They always do that in literature. Day might've been crappy given the deadlines, emphasising on the 'dead' part. They are done with *cheer*, and I live to die another day. A Bond One Liner, haha. It's not much to look forward to, since it's not that much of an extension. Bleah.

It is in dark times that make me near-catatonic. Things always seem harder that way, in these conditions.

No, dark weather hardly fazes me. I've spent too many thunderstorms alone at home with a cup of tea to keep me company while I watch the tempest. Forces of nature they are.

"I am a patron of this play, however unwilling, not an actor. I may cheer the cast, the stage itself is forbidden to me."

I watch too much. I'd warrant a beating for all the eyes I keep open, sitting complacently and washing sweet snacks down with tea. A fine life for one so... unfine.

Because of how I was raised. The transitions of a bookworm from a book to another. I am an aberration in every sense of the word. and to whom does that title pass on to?

Draw out the Magnum.

remembrance

2010-02-24T21:37:00.005+08:00

the death of a marine...
The death of the death of the marine...
Is still death, cold and sad.

Semper fi...
I salute, and play a solemn military march in memory.

I am very moved by Clint Eastwood's Letters from Iwo Jima. I never thought I'd think of IJA conscripts as sympathetic before I watched it. It brought me memories, and hence I doubly cried when I watched Letters from Iwo Jima. Nonetheless... I've been criticised for my sentiments related to the movie... I understand the sadness and the pain of the soldiers... A humble baker, separated from wife and child to go to conflict...

Remember the SMSes from ACS (Independent) and the men who sent them. Morale morale... It was the best lift for morale during those days in camps, I remember. And many fell. What may perhaps be the last legacy of those who gave so much.

I recovered the arrowhead, the brutal arrowhead from that grievous wound.. And I recognised the fletching.

hardly royal a goodbye

2010-02-18T14:07:00.003+08:00

We have realised the pointlessness of sapience, of intelligence so great that it's become some sort of family heirloom to be shown off. Why do we think so damn much? Our mind, why doth it not rest and numb itself? That it takes just so much hard liquor to still it in mere temporary stupor?

Our traumatic experiences can be used to bless other people, as we have discussed with ourselves and others. We have been through a lot in one year, enough for us to tell off with renewed vigour anyone whoever dares to lay their hands on our niece's future.

We have to say to the scientific disciplines: F _ _ K YOU. You ruined our lives, and yet in the ruin we have forged only means to escape. Escape is not the end, just the means to an end.

The world is a corrupt and sad place. We grasped long ago the pointlessness of using hope as a means. We are a jaded personality(ies). shirk of us our responsibilities. we were born to subvert, anyway.

We are badly shocked at the fakeness of many things that surround us. Good? we think not. So fake, so disgusting and foul. We have well and truly shamed ourselves trying to make those comparisons last time, we truly have. If thou'st to be 'good' then get real. No 'good' person does that. A 'good' person is...

quiet, modest, urbane, well-mannered, most importantly quiet.

we are tired, and afraid.

In our mind -
She speaks on behalf of the fool who is hardly cynical enough.

mabushikute mabushikute

2010-02-14T22:02:00.002+08:00

I have to extend my apologies to everyone out there for bashing v-day.

It's not bad that CNY day #1 shares the same date. Visited my gran, and spend time with my relatives. Ate pineapple tarts. Good that in one day people can celebrate familial love and romantic love, and I'm pretty ok despite the lack of the latter.

I'm somewhat less jaded though, thanks...

Bus number

2010-02-12T21:51:00.003+08:00

Yep.

Celebrated CNY in school with a concert, had a close run with a banshee. How I detest these aberrations in God's work. Pretty much the reason why I created an avatar of justice character Rin Nanako Konoe, who takes down banshees.

And again, I sometimes get appalled at materialism and how it's permeated all our lives. It's one of the things that tear families apart and estrange people, cause so many misunderstandings.

Perhaps I'd like to bash V-day, but I'm sure so many people will be angry at me for spoiling the 'fun'. I'm sorry, I don't see what's the fun. I'm not getting chocolates for anyone save myself. Sorry if I'm selfish, but I'm not up for being shipped just because its V-day, you shippers.

acknowledgement, apology, condolence

2010-02-10T20:51:00.004+08:00

you are seriously some oracle or something. I take it all back.

I'm different in my actions and thoughts however, and a mystery to myself.
You're correct only for one. I'm sorry to say about the other...

Of course, so hair doesn't get yanked and there are no emergency field promotions to the coveted post of M.O.H.

Hello,

2010-02-09T22:06:00.004+08:00

I can only wish I had oracular prophetic dreams just so I have ammo to return the favour with.

Yeah don't tell Thea.

what-fascism?

2010-02-04T22:29:00.003+08:00

It is within rather trying circumstances right now that I revive my blog. What are these trying times of which I speak? It is the same story. And the same questions that I ask:

Why has Confucius done this?

Why have the Chinese been humiliated so much in the last 2 centuries?

Why are we poor?

Why do we have to be materialistic?

Why must we practice sino-fascist values and eternally condemn the practices and culture of our Western co-worlders?

I've made crazy, conspiracy-theorist-type theories with regards to my own father. Listed above were my questions on the theories for thing happening as such. It's wierd, but yes. Somehow there is a connection...

Between the fall of a great empire and the raging wrath of a parent who sends his immediate family members quailing in utter fear. Whose spouse is but excrement from the open toilet - as only according to him.

In the dark hall where my father's eyes have gone complacent;
I am alone with my thoughts and posts...
Silently I curse myself:
"You sad, lonely idiot. Why couldn't DNA be on your side?"
I fear this yet most out of all my fears -
I don't want to be like you.
I don't want to hurt the people close to me.
I just want a simple life.
No sinofascism. No spouse-hurting. (If there is even to be one.)
No death, no destruction. No war.
No nuke-happy fingers on big red buttons.
Let me escape - from myself. From you.

happy troping and moping (oxymoronic indeed)

2010-01-21T22:03:00.005+08:00

On monday, I cut up a heart in bio prac. It looks mangled after the dissection, and dont all organs look it when cut? I would post a pic, but I won't shock anyone so.... I'm not sure what heart it was from, a goat, a sheep, a cow, or a pig (maybe i think somebody should rejoice if it really came from a pig heart) - but i'm certain it doesn't look too different from my heart.

and i am 68% yandere. Oddly enough i've noticed i've come across some tsundere people in school... That makes me a minority...

天中之独弓さんのヤンデレ度は、68点です。

ランク： B (A～E)

偏差値： 71.7

順位： 6,902位 (368,700人中)

統計を見る

得点分布

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(点)

総評
あなたはちょいヤンデレです。
そこそこ病んでますね。たまには生き抜きも必要だと思います。

天中之独弓さんに相応しいヤンデレ
好きな人を神化。

認定証

What a loooooooooong rainy day after school.... I wanted to soak in the rain like some inebriated emo drunk, but i wasn't allowed to......
...tired....

...so very tired...

what is the big deal with/about tsunderes huh....

truths, and impulses

2010-01-12T22:05:00.003+08:00

Just like...

I might as well be a person who has no sense of self.

For that sole reason I have kept on living like this.

Back then, all that I knew was going to school, playing with friends, falling like normal. That was my life and I never doubted my happiness.

These past two years. Was it a long time? Was it a short time? It was truly a very short time till my sixteenth birthday. My feelings have the small destructive passions everyone has. Being strongly emotional by nature, I knew that I could do something terrible with such destructive passions let wild. Such small feelings for an instant solidify in my mind and take over. That was how it worked.

I wanted to go crazy. I would've wanted to entrust myself completely to insanity. But doing that to the full, that would mean I would commit more vile transgressions. And I kept on trying.

And all that is left is for me to take responsibility for my actions.

Responsibility is a funny thing, actually. Some cases of being responsible may involve hurts, and great ones that.

Oblivion Recorder

2010-01-11T14:32:00.002+08:00

Just like with silent priests walking through the spacious empty halls of the basilica, sepulchral choirs echo in language lost long ago.

Perhaps even in the wake of the oblivion of memories, they still have been recorded, for that is the nature of things. Most things, anyway. Like how 'Big Brother is Watching You' is achievable with such devices. There is a point to it that there does exist something that records things only too well - the mind. And the body that is connected to that mind is a person, who remembers.

And if the music of life changes and by extension the mood? I might go cynical. I might start calling out on the ridiculous things around me.

World Literature - Hedda Gabler

2010-01-07T21:08:00.009+08:00

I.
A gun is always ominous on stage.
So when you pulled out your revolver—all black and white
like they always are,
the rounds slipping into the cylinder
like eyes into the sockets of skulls—I thought, good lord! I’m going to die

We are all going to die
by, at least, act four.

II.
You only put it to my lips,
lifting away each tooth.

I saw your hair tangled up in the branches in the sky,
And you were calling me Hedda again
“you stone cold bitch, you animal,
you, you,”
stuttering, slurring, I am choking and realizing
how unsatisfying it is to have your mouth around the barrel.

Hedda, Hedda

III.
You are the stag shaking fruit out of the tree
with your horns,
those wreath-wound-wild antlers.

IV.
I am never the hunter, but this time,
you have given me the blindfold, the curtain threatening to come down
and I am tying the eyes of the stag
and you are asking for the gun.

I want so much for you to succeed, I want
so much
for you to be, but the gun is going off and the curtain is down
and everybody has to take their bows.

This is NOT MY POEM. From: http://basalganglia.deviantart.com/art/Hedda-35248958

My love for the world of literature and the arts is strange indeed. I enter a world of catharsis, where tormented geniuses flee to by means of their work. Here i am doing world lit. I don't ever mean to say I hate the works, rather I like them for the catharsis I feel when reading them (even though I never wrote them).

Hedda's problem is that although she looked up to Lovborg and the way he lived his life free without caring what others thought of him, she has always been too paralysed by fear of scandal to follow his example. Eilert Lovborg was a Dogged Nice Guy to Hedda before he fell in love with Thea Elvsted. Hedda supplies a tweaked example however: she got married to George Tesman instead, who is incredibly stupid (in a social and emotional sort of way), and thus, for her, the wrong guy. She gets some severe Unresolved Sexual Tension with both Eilert (actually the right guy and the one of her dreams. But he got together with Thea instead.) and Judge Brack (the even wronger guy). Because she has never controlled her own life, she seeks to control others - or at least to sabotage their control over their own lives out of spite. This is why she ruins Lovborg's life, and why she is so horrible and domineering over everybody else. In the end, Eilert accidentally shoots himself (in the groin, and then he died.) and Hedda becomes implicated by Judge Brack for the fact that she gave Eilert the pistol. Upset and forced into a corner when Brack threatens to expose her involvement in Lovborg's death and cause a public scandal. And Hedda is dreadfully afraid of being involved in such a scandal. And that is why she eventually kills herself (blowing her brains out with a revolver), when Brack forces her into a corner. She shoots herself, not because she doesn't want to sleep with him, but because she doesn't want to be forced to do anything.

Somehow, I could see myself as Judge Brack. All this talk of his relationship with Hedda... He is like a convenient rook piece to her, where she can castle within for security, and on a whim send him out on her tasks. For the most part, Brack had no objections to being a plaything of her, but later his ulterior motives start to show. Brack had hinted that however he wanted to establish a triangular relationship with Hedda.

From Act 2:

Brack: (hears the front door open and shut) The triangle is completed.

Hedda: (half under her breath) And the train goes on.

Here goes a little passage from Act 3:

Hedda: (looks at him and smiles) I see. You want to be the cock of the walk.

Brack: (nods slowly and lowers his voice) Yes, that is my aim. And I shall fight for it with - every weapon at my disposal.

Hedda: (as her smile fades) You're a dangerous man, aren't you? When you really want something.

Brack: You think so?

Hedda: Yes, I'm beginning to think so.

But more so I can identify with Hedda. She has had little or no control of her life, in the sense that she is a person with many fears. She does not dare to step into Eilert's romantic world, which is truly what she desires yet she fears leaving the security of the world that she is most familiar in when she was brought up. She is a person stuck in the limbo of times and ages and choices, and the closest she can get to feel alive is to live out her romantic dreams through observing other poeple around her, and she subtly manipulates them into doing so if they are not as easy to convince. But everything falls apart for her - and she lifts a loaded revolver to her head and blows out her brains.

Romantic somehow. A dark beauty in the sight... Ahh, i can identify so much... Even right down to the whole revolver to head thing and the blood spattered mess on the furniture...That bit showed up in my dreams... Such an end are what my fears and insecurities will turn into...

I guess i knew from the start that I wouldn't be able to overtake you, yes you, the one in my vision. They all said: "You can't fight fate..."

I have fought, and how I have failed. But I am tenacious. It's part of my personality and I am not given to giving like that.

But it goes to having to say again:
I guess i knew right from the start that I wouldn't be able to overtake you, yes you, the one in my vision. I cannot do with the sparks and charges, rather I can only leave you a prayer that you can and will keep. Let none else pass through to what is coveted.

I never wanted to do any of this. And if things are to stay the way they are, then no one will ever be happy. If there is to be all the talk of the greater good and selflessness, then i will do it and do it beautifully. Since there is no more but ruin set up for me... I will have to make it beautiful. Just kiss me and leave the gun in my hand. I will make the bloody mess of brains on the wall myself.

I am more fearful than anyone can try to fathom. I don't know what there is to turn to. And in the end... Only General Gabler's daughter.

Full Cycle

2010-01-05T21:32:00.002+08:00

2 years.

2 years ago, i was left in a daze. I remember being spaced out and basically doing a crap job. and then the seer found out too. but he's a seer for a reason. not to break into people's minds, though. bad reason that one. That self i remembered - myself in the current is no comparison to him from 2 years ago. Seemed quite like someone who belonged to the world of darkness. And here comes Jason Conrad with his motifs.

a year later, i did not yet know what was yet to happen. i remember having a dream quite a long time ago, before. I never knew the identity, or at least never made the connection. the frame i saw in that dream would be the frame that i would see.

Now, its just some cycle to me. Might have to do with going back to school. Might have to do with my choice of novel title: Gyre.

Living a normal life up till a certain age... My mind is hazy... I feel like I've been simply watching a long dream. I whisper to the person in my dream...

"...indulge my selfishness..."

Eternally

2010-01-04T14:34:00.000+08:00

The panels are read from right to left. It's well-drawn and has a good plot. I really like this one, copyright Gaku Gaku Animal Land for it.
http://www.freewebs.com/aortic/tsukihime.htm

Our favorite curry-loving sempai Ciel exits stage right... I know how she feels to lose out like that, and its really sad... And she's nice, albeit she is quite the yandere in this strip... I thought it very appropriate... It's part of my personality.

she could have pwnt Arc, by the way...

destiny will tell...

2010-01-01T21:29:00.004+08:00

"Where there is distress, therein lies a story.
Where there is a story, therein lies a will.
... And wherever there is a will, therein lies a soul."
Evangeline Athanasia Katherine McDowell

Give me a subject combination i dont want, see how much I put my heart and soul into it. Take That.

I have always thought of myself as mad, but the madness within actually changes over time. Back then, I was a different kind of mad. When was the last time i was the more chaotic neutral, Type B "does whatever the hell he likes" mad fiction-maker? Perhaps only one of you knows... outside of me, that is. I miss the old Attack Hellos I gave. I got on peoples' nerves, true, but I enjoyed it. I was anarchic as ever and loved it. The time when I was the shipper on deck, and not the shipped. Cheshire cat grin on scary shiny INSANE black eyes behind glasses... just so distant in the past. So much of a doer, but undone in the end. Is there a call for me to jump at? Or would I even want to jump at the call?

All in all, the old, mad fictionier is now gone... What remains is so little compared... just the love of tea, and the sketchbook aches and longs for the day i will return to it... as the Imperial Master of Graphics and Fiction-making. It's not showing off... but the thing I loved most about my own world was that I was really such - an emperor of sorts.

At last, the old streak of spontaniety is gone... and if I could do whatever the hell i like... and return to those brighter days... I would be so happy.

For freedom is freedom in its most literal sense. At least only form the undesirable bad things in life. Freedom from slavery, from thralldom, from oppression, from logic, from evil yokes...

If this does so, for obtaining the goodness and happiness of Temperentia, Sapientia, and the abundance of the Orient:

"A prayer is something overflowing with the good news of the future."
-Kara no Kyoukai

my selfish.

2009-12-22T21:44:00.003+08:00

It's so strange that I find myself doing this. And for how long already?
8 months, and 8 months too long it is.

Well, if it is what you say it is, then I too might take it as such. taking a quote from Tohsaka Rin, then yeah, i would agree that it is true...

Well then, I too have wishes, and a list of them, no less. But I do expect some people to slam me down for making such wishes, saying its selfish of me. Well so i am selfish after all, just because I want my lot in life.

1) Tsun. Dere.
2) Real dreams, for just once would still be great anyway.
3) Better subjects, and by extension grades.
4) A tanto
5) That I wouldn't even to have to make wishlists.

I'd like to watch the princess bride...
Old show, but classic. Made of awesome.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"As you wish..."

My undying gratitude to whom may help fulfil even one item on my list.
My undying gratitude undying just as some other aspects...

Kara no Kyoukai.

2009-12-18T23:07:00.004+08:00

Kara no Kyoukai is a novel (later adapted for 7-parter movie series) by Kinoko Nasu of Type-Moon fame. He's done a really good job, considering that traditional novels have to be three times as exciting to compare with that of a visual novel.

Some people do ask why I like it. Well, to put it short, it's awesome.
I actually watched it only after reading the genre tag on it: romance.
It's got a dark setting and environment, true, but welcome home juxtaposition!
The darker the shadows are, the brighter the light is.

And the music... Kalafina ftw! And this I safely say that the soundtrack is Kajiura Yuki's magnum opus.

Feel very free to listen. It sounds sepulcheral at first, but by 2:00 it will be the most beautiful thing to grace your ears. The music that plays grandly when a couple, through all odds, find their happiness in one another.

"I'm won't ever let you go."
- Mikiya to Shiki

Just heartwarming.

p.s.

Ryougi Shiki... did somethings pretty nasty (justified though, lucky Mikiya). And she's a girl.
Looking at proportions...

Murder Study 2

2009-12-15T22:19:00.015+08:00

Well, got it at last, subs and all.
watched it this afternoon, and I cried thrice. It's quite sad, some parts...
Nevertheless, never failed to disappoint. Epic as the rest, yet with the most psychological character development and romantic development.
And the hardcore romantic that is me just has to go watch it.

Yay Rakkyo!!!
and awwwwww....

And the theme song, likely intended to be from Shiki's point of view:
seventh heaven by Kalafina

utatte hoshii
shizuka na ai no kotoba
nai teitanoha
anata noseijanakute
yoru no nakani kie te itta
awayuki ni wakare wo tsuge tano

yami no naka kara kiko eta mune no kodou ga
yatto itami wo watashi ni oshie tekureta
o kono kizu ni kuchizuke te
hakanaku fureau yubi wo
hanasa naideite
zutto

konnani akaru i sekai he
kimi ga watashi wo tsure te kita
mabushiku te mabushiku te
nanimo mie nai
hikari no naka

tsuyoku dakishimeteite
kogoe ta toiki wo wake ai
anata to watashi no
nagori no yuki ga toke te

soreha yume noyouna
hibi no naka
anata ga waratteru
soredakedeii
o tada soba ni iru kara

mou hitori janai
zutto
futari de iku
mahoroba

utatte hoshii
kimi no boku no
yoru no asa no

umi no
sora no shirabe

and translations:

I want you to sing
The quiet words of love
Why I cried
Wasn't because of you
But that you announced our parting in the light snow
That was vanishing into the night

The heartbeats of a chest that I heard from within the darkness
Finally taught me of pain
Please kiss my wounds
Please don't let your fingers
That touch me briefly leave me
Ever

You brought me
Into a world this bright
It's too glaring, it's too glaring
I can't see anything
Within the light

Please embrace me tightly
Share our frozen breaths
Melt the snow that remains
In you and me

It's that within
The dreamlike days
You're laughing
I'm fine with just that
Because you're simply by my side

I'm not alone anymore
Forever
We'll go together
To Arcadia

I want you to sing
Your, my
The night's, the morning's

The sea's

The sky's tune

Happy days for Shiki and Mikiya...
Awwwwwwh.....
warm, fuzzy feeling even if i'm not so happy here...
I'll just dream then...

...and nothing heart - ...not nothing heart

2009-12-13T22:41:00.002+08:00

Thank you TakaJun!

Subs! Subs! Subs!

Sigh... I heard murder study 2 is very very sad....
sigh...
love hurts, its true.
Love hurts worse than a knife in your eye, worse than losing a thumb, worse than losing an arm, worse than losing a leg, worse than being stabbed in the chest, worse than all the above combined. and I'd do all that for love that doesnt hurt. sadly so... not so much the fair trade for me.

Kizuato

2009-12-13T11:01:00.000+08:00

Ever the historian, I was doing the usual text study, but apparently careless me missed out, or plain forgot some things.

And how i laughed. Not the hearty laughter that I hear too often, and have too little of. Sardonic, self-deprecating laughter at the irony.

To scream Ho Yay!
To qoute half a title by Dan Brown,
-only to disappear.
Coming to terms with several differences,
Making a strong stand,
And how justly is the reward given.
And then, an attempt to reach out...
Things are fine... but another conflict comes.
And for safety's sake, voluntary exile.
And people question their domestic choices, and the dream i once had goes to oblivion.
A cornered rat does not go down without a fight.
Lash, and the hand is bitten thus.
An uneasy peace exists, not only in my own home but others.
Squick. More squick. Why so? Has it been so long? Why wont it stop!?!?!?
And a nightmare i hope will never see.
But, even as I saw the turn so long ago, I see a possible redemption...

I do not know, after all people do change, in more ways than some thought possible.

I don't like weak people.
I don't like sick people.

7

2009-12-12T22:00:00.000+08:00

T'is serenity most unnatural, because it is felt by me. A beautiful smile indeed.

T'is only me and me only, for i am different from he. For i am i, thus no one will help me for a fifth of a flower and a seventh of a person, both beautiful nevertheless. The favour (or lack thereof) is returned. But who is to care?

Come pray with me...
In the Garden of Sinners...
Come repent with me...

Boukyaku Rokuon

2009-12-10T22:43:00.000+08:00

Given my status as a triple dere with varying degrees of kuudere, tsundere, and yandere, so i have 3 quantities of each.

Maybe i'm thinking tsundere appeals more than yandere...

And I'm waiting again for Kara No Kyoukai 7: Murder Study Part 2 ...not nothing heart.

Sigh.... And with kara no kyoukai, i also like Kalafina music too...

眩しくて眩しくて
mabushiku te mabushiku te...
nanimo mie nai
hikari no naka

tsuyoku dakishimeteite
kogoe ta toiki wo wake ai
anata to watashi no
nagori no yuki ga toke te

soreha yume noyouna
hibi no naka
anata ga waratteru
soredakedeii
o tada soba ni iru kara

mou hitori janai
zutto
futari de iku
mahoroba

...not nothing heart

2009-12-09T22:12:00.001+08:00

No english subs for murder study 2 yet....

So no thrills for me... i cannot wait to see that antagonist get comeuppance....

Though my Clairvoyance is ranked D, and another's as C, it's apparent enough.... And i understand, maybe, however much it cuts. Concessions and scrifices are everybodys' to make. Who am I to? But i have crazy vivid dreams... Junkies... and Russian libraries... i saw tears and rage and swells...

Ahnenerbe

From a tiny cosy cafe, the light streams through the tints. It's European-styled, which I like, and that adds to the atmosphere. I can forget my recent troubling encounters in the Russian library there. I sip my coffee and enjoy the aroma. The sky has cleared, and I can see the other side of the street. I see a hand, too. I've got to go. Now that the coffee is finished, I check my boots, put on my jacket, and get up from my seat. I take one last look at the cafe, my last look for the day, before I return for their fragrant coffee soon. That cafe is my sanctum, the refuge in those times of your life. This one in particular is for relieving that issue in the Russian library just hours ago. I wave to the barrista, and I've just got two waves, one before, and one upon leaving. Without a word, I turned behind facing the exit door. I turned the knob of the door leading to the streetpath.

微笑してあなたとのちょうどあることおよびもらうことは私を幸せにさせた。

それは私が不安だったのに、私に心の安らぎを持って来た。

あなたとあなたとのちょうどあることおよび歩くことは私を幸せにさせた。

私達が一緒になかったのに、一緒にある。

それらは実際におぼろげな日の跡である。

Sarashi

2009-12-08T22:33:00.000+08:00

Well, it could go to show something, but one drop of water is not one ocean, it needs many many drops of water. One little skill doesnt quite make what is 'expected' of me, nor do i show interest.

I also can't quite explain 3 nights of strange dreams in a row... First, robbers, gangs, and dynamite. Second, painting, toilets, and shock. Third, Russian libraries, arguments, and cats. No, i dont know how and why.

And i'm waiting for rakkyo 7!! epic finale and conclusion to the thrills.... and hopefully the void in me as well...

heiretsu, suichoku

2009-12-07T18:42:00.000+08:00

All done, or thought of, with true purpose.

Part of a cleaning operation so... so that more good can happen, apparently.

apt

2009-12-04T22:53:00.000+08:00

Aptly named is my blog and blogskin. Thanks very much, IcedOtaku!

And aptly named. Weak is the hollow shell that is me, and all is weak. It is this emptiness that has me in a strange state of serenity and calmness as I see bad things happen around me. And yet... I tenaciously fight on, for that is my nature, and all that happens around me. I know this is weird. It's like triad wars in Kowloon, where one has to fight for their lot. Has this upbringing and permeating air of violence established itself in me? Or just a Cantonese thing?

Or is this United Independent Personalities? Existing simultaneously, each having their own unique will, and on top of that one's actions are coordinated. That sort of complex personality shouldn't be called a dissociated identity, but rather united independent personalities.

...Is that how the 'yan' comes about in 'yandere'?

I have truly been born in the wrong century. Wherefore art the days of honour gone?

2009-12-02T09:29:00.000+08:00

At least.

At least.

At least.

It happens, or will.

What does the timeline say, in this never-ending gyre of life and death, of gain and loss, of light and dark, of order and chaos, of waking and sleeping, of pride and humility, of peace and violence, of joy and sorrow, of contentment and emptiness? What doth the timeline sayeth? It said good. I bled to make sure it said good, and wrote it down in the books, that it be preserved as such in its pristine glory.

And in the end, it is the young ones who will lead ahead of their peers, at least in one aspect only. And the even younger will, in time come to the top.

It's a mathematical equation.

X+6=13

Unlucky number 13, but guess who gets it?

自滅は私に招く。私は空の境界に近い方に歩み、放す。私は空の境界を交差させ、自分自身はある空の神社、文字通り行くために割り当て、パラドックスの螺線形で下方に落ちる。私が去った後とき、そしてそ私が感じた苦痛の残りの感覚を覚えているので、私は疑問に思う: 私のおとぎ話はどこで始まるか。

A man's home is not his castle. Heck, it's not even a home at all.

2009-11-23T22:33:00.000+08:00

I sincerely hope to be left alone. I sincerely hope to be myself. I sincerely hope to have no violence between us both.

But alas, why then am I armed to the teeth in my own home? Having two pairs of scissors concealed on person, as if i'm some sort of hunter. Having to devise my Houdini-esque escape plans out of my own home. A trail to escape through my own house set with 'conveniently' placed household items to stall the offensive advance towards me so that I may escape. Why all this?

It's f**king because you hate the humanities. To slam down humanities, but uplift and glorify the sciences. I dont know how it makes sense. How I am swearing now... because its beyond frustrating.

You say : Render unto Ceaser (actually you right???)

I do not render. I render to God what's His, and that's all at that.

Let He who is without sin cast the first stone. John Chp 8 V 7

So why are you so quick to anger and attack?

Only He has no sin. Will he throw the stone? But cue His grace. No stones to be thrown by Him.

I truly am a person of questionable morals, given my... 'tendencies'. But I have my codes as well as any other self-respecting genteelman.

"Cast in the name of the Lord - Ye Not Guilty."

I do have a right to self-defense, as all humans equally are courtesy of God. I am not guilty of any possible hurt to an attacker, but I hold back as much as I can. I may respect and condone voluntary hurt or even manslaughter in the cause of self-denfense, but life is sacred. I see no justification for bullying, or harm to an innocent and defenceless. Justify thy action well.

2009-11-22T21:18:00.000+08:00

Call it undisputed victory on one hand. (Clutch you your wedding dress and broadsword)

On the other hand, it is still debatable.

I must've looked real off rocker this weekend, tramping around in boots and a jacket, badassitude yandere to a certain extent.

Still, the country air's done its very best job relaxing me and healing me. It's like how they send celeb crackheads to rehab. Wonderful rehab.

I'm random and it could be the candlelight burning just a few feet away, but i think cassocks are handsome-looking to put on. Yukatas might count too...

read of the devil.

2009-11-16T17:25:00.001+08:00

read of the devil. seriously. And how so scary that was.

Thanks be to God and the Indian ocean which He created.

No better way to convince one to give up and truly pursue their passions for what they are.

Humble, yet lawfully mechanical and cruel. methodical, just like a mad scientist at work... vivisecting and preserving. That does not impress me, it 1) puts me off my dinner 2) scares the hell out of me.

2009-11-15T06:35:00.000+08:00

Right this very moment, I hear my father defending his decision to have me do damned science to my sis-in-law. Lies, lies, lies. He think I am uncertain, so for the sake of some certainty, have the son to Science (say with an extra-gay sarcastic voice on it). And how Arts and Humans are so frigging useless.

So i am brainless, is it? All the more shouldnt I give up *Science*?

The cruel part is in using reverse psychology and coercion. How many rights have been violated in my childhood-less life now? I Dont know. too many to count.

I have only one creed in my life, regarding my studies and future. It's at the bottom of the post. I'll go on with my 'low-class' living in a humans course, then. I want my life. I want my life back.

DO PUT DOWN SCIENCE!

Update

2009-11-13T21:13:00.000+08:00

Yet another one....

3rd yandere fit, only 8 hours after the last.

Yet another one has carelessly wandered into a death trap. Or should i say, a list rather than a trap.

I am ever the heretic to challenge society's rules. The ends definitely justify the means, right here for this case. I shall care not anything else.

Basic

2009-11-13T20:16:00.000+08:00

Had 2 yandere fits in the last 2 days...

Put it simply: 5 man band, unlucky childhood friend, face heel turn.

Well, I can finally put all the work behind me. It's a great environment to write.

This is Avalon.

2009-11-11T17:06:00.000+08:00

A man's brother's house is his castle.

No better castle than one where you can finish your work in peace, and later write when one is done with submissions of 2 essays. life is somewhat cruel... but invite some optimism in i guess... not overdone or blind optimism. Level-headed is key. gives you all the common sense you need.

They dont call it ChinaTown for no good reason after all. Nice place, it. Did it encourage me in any way? Maybe, but maybe not. I have my reasons for my wishes. I hope they arent too selfish. I'm being selfish by being self-conscious. Both involve the self, dont they?

I'm thinking of another cool quote to use. Suggestions anyone?

Flee

2009-11-06T23:15:00.000+08:00

Certainly feel bad about it, but somehow this wasn't up to me. I grapple with fears and the like, but I admit to having to balance all accounts and look out for myself in some way.

And that does count some writing for free time, when i have it. Here goes, another 'trailer of sorts':

We live in a dark time. We took all those times, those peaceful times that the people have sacrificed so much for; we took them for granted. They came very much like a storm, itself a force of nature led by a force of nature. They pillage and they extort at their leader's behest. And the foul leader now sits on a very powerful throne, all thanks to his trickery and deceit.

And our line is the prime target, the prime suspect. Now we are reduced to hiding even our names. But what else would we have done? Our house has always watched over the world in peace and war, and this dark time shall never be an exception.

How long shall it come to pass before the last remaining members of our line die at the hands of these invaders from the north and most of all their syphilitic leader? For his flaws and eccentricities, he is nigh-omnipotent. I have seen him crush down the most skilled members of our house in the first clash itself - testament to his claim of being a force of nature, wielding power over life and death. There is none now who can challenge him, not even I the callow youth.

I am pondering.

None now, but what of then? We all think it's crazy, but I have faith in the progenitors from long past. We owe our existence to them, and will owe our salvation to them likewise. We need someone who is capable of keeping up with, and taking down the co-ordinator of this nightmare.

I wish the best fortune to our last and best hope.

Halloween

2009-10-31T23:05:00.001+08:00

With this blog post, the light of my world is gone thus. But should it be a big deal? It's Halloween after all. Monsters are supposed to roam the night XD.. I'm packing my scissors and anything sharp to bed tonight.

^
Welcome to Acerbia.

I had, for a while, to live by this code of neutrality. It's part of living in Acerbia, a little country landlocked (and encircled) in the middle of Greater Pervertia, Bimbotia, and the Flagrancis Ultima Publius Demonstratum of Arcadia. It is as follows:

"I am a patron of this play, however unwilling, not an actor. I may cheer the cast, the stage itself is forbidden to me." - Well said by a fellow cynic.

I am loath of my greatest gift, likewise. Clue: it's got to do with life.

I lift my teacup and say: Cheers to new light, should i be blessed such.

If not... there is still a big empty house with a Victorian study to look forward to sequestering myself within. for eternity... fo shame, and fo knowledge and more fine tea.

I'm thinking of a poem to be released... My blend of 18th century Romantic and Gothic mixed together.

garan no dou

2009-10-28T21:00:00.000+08:00

---and she said.

If you are willing to take in anything
You'll never be wounded.
Anything that you don't fit.
Anything that you don't like.
Anything that you don't allow.
If you take in anything without reacting
You'll never be wounded.

If you are willing to reject everything
You'll only be wounded.
Everything that you fit.
Everything that you like.
Everything that you dream.
If you reject everything without a sacrifice
You'll only be wounded.

A gap between two hearts.
Unable to both affirm and deny.
Between them, there is nothing.
Between them, there is I.

/Void Shrine
Copyright Kinoko Nasu, Type-Moon

A hollow shrine.

"The fact that you are empty means that you can fill that emptiness with as much as you want. You happy person, where's a better future than that?"

Somebody tell me if it's true.

--- I know that the hole punched in my chest can't be filled with things like that, but right now, I don't want to do anything else. Because...

2009-10-21T21:58:00.000+08:00

if it is what you say it is. if it is what you say it is, then shouldn't you stop before countless lives are lost?

letters from iwo jima. wonderful show, but very sad. the horrors you see...

At least i don't quite think it is what you say it is. i categorise them differently, but i guess it can't be helped that i'm cruel.

of molotovs and driving

2009-10-21T21:22:00.000+08:00

left to ferment, hopeless romantics become yanderes.

I always thought it was cool to drive a jaguar. never changed. haha. i could try guessing the cars that friends would get for themselves... and many drivers tailgate yo from time to time.

five

2009-10-15T22:31:00.000+08:00

many fives. one on this other side. and five times a hundred here. sigh. makes perfect sense. i think. so....many...parallels....

fun stuff.

too...

2009-10-11T13:50:00.000+08:00

yes yes.

何を選ぶか?

そして私選ぶためにか,剣、か斧、またはナイフか?

not living it down

2009-10-11T13:21:00.000+08:00

I could not read that down without feeling some kind of hurt... its not fair. yes. i remember still. it was... it was.... never mind. nobody really wants to hear, no? To fawn, promises must be broken... how enlightening. nobody to eat their heart out save mine. does everything just break and die just in front of my eyes? I came, I saw, I had a fit. I wanted to kill.

Yet again, another quiz proves me so.....

These Characters are often as loving,caring, gentle, innocent, and delicate. Yet, when their love for someone is rejected or if another person gets in the way of their love. They start to display a more obsessive and/or psychotic side of their personality. Often attempting to get rid of or even kill the person they loved and/or the person or thing who came between their love. At times will even commit suicide. A tsundere are almost considered the opposite of a Yandere character. Ex: Katsura Kotonoha and Saionji Sekai from School Days, Fuyou Kaede from SHUFFLE!, Sonozaki Shion from Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, and Lucy from Elfen Lied are some examples of this growing character type.

birthday luck

2009-10-10T00:17:00.000+08:00

happy birthday sandra!! best of birthday luck for all the other papers! and hopefully it spreads to the rest too...

Good grief!

2009-10-05T20:19:00.000+08:00

Good gorgeous (and i really mean gorgeous) grief! I can't live with this. I can't live this down like that... I think i am becoming a male version of yandere...

Axe-crazy, to boot. I saw the trigger. And how much could people be right? Its the good old trigonometrical tactic employed all over again. Solve the equation. Hypotenuse is right there. It's waiting... for an axe or a knife.

I've just been welcomed into the yandere club. How sweet is that?

Kinetics - 1st order

2009-09-29T23:10:00.000+08:00

I never ever knew from the start of this year,that I'd be staring right at these exams that are just oh so close. I never knew problems of that sort would be this close - and threatening.

I'd never also have thought of asking a stranger's help. I suppose we all do help each other out of general nice-ness, but can my selfish favours be justified? I really view them as selfish.

And meanwhile.

It's the invincibility, or the feeling of it. You feel so invincible. Nothing can ever get you down. Circumstances that once looked bleak now are shining down upon you their golden rays of opportunity. The motherlode of confidence in a future so graciously assured. The cost came not from you. This 'extra happiness' had to be from a donor. The sacrificial shedding of the pure Third blood invoked power - power enough to seal the joy for an eternity. Just so good... The feeling of this security, this elation and drive to do well, because somebody is standing there of free will, of free, unbridled and requited love.

2009-09-26T23:35:00.000+08:00

Well, lessons today weren't quite as 'hard or understandable'. Was very very savvy.

Oh Yeah, and word travels fast. The spat... Such a childish thing.

A deed repeated by example, yet how I fail. You were right...

You said

2009-09-25T22:38:00.000+08:00

Many many things.

The f-word. You said. The f-word. But not to be selfish. To be honest, the moment you start to fight you're in the wrong either way. but I call mine anyway: just. Watch out.

Onto the next:

God help my kids if I end up bullying them and picking petty (and forcefully-won) arguments with them.

Propaganda of the parents. You said all kinds of things. Many lies. And oppress. Where is the honour in it?

Joseph Stalin or Adolf Hitler or Sosuke Aizen?

To talk theism

2009-09-24T22:30:00.001+08:00

Letters behind posters are easier hidden than the sinful act of typing for leisure.

Everyone knows that typing for fun isn't sinful; I was sarcastic, duh. But my latest chapter got corrupted, and had to delete before it made anyhing worse. Sigh. It's not even backed up yet...

I don't quite know if that's how anyone wanted things to turn out as. But, if anything I kept imaginining it would end up like what it said in the French post.

My prayer: If things are going well let them stay that way, oh thank you very much for the very much better fortunes. Amen.

And for those who have fallen and feel sad/lost/bullied:

Wish the very same to you too.

Don't we just all wanna enjoy? When this crazy, insecurity-inducing, life-wrecking mess is all over, everybody MUST ENJOY SOMETHING AND ENJOY IT GOOD.

sweet simply got postponed.

2009-09-18T23:19:00.000+08:00

Thanks everyone for the wonderful birthday and greatly treasured memories to last =D

I know it wasn't easy writing and hunting (know what i mean), especially in these trying times of mine. It's even a risk to my fingers typing this very post, but stifle me not Stalin.

Kudos sandra+jessica+dezhong+kurt, once again, I overkill on nice words and gratitude.

Chocolate is good for the heart, after all. I really really appreciate it.

Tsundere thursday

2009-09-17T08:18:00.000+08:00

The Tsundere Queen, I remember. What about me, what I asked while fauning took place?

2009-09-13T22:07:00.000+08:00

I could've, would've liked to spend the rest of my day there. Strange how that place brought me some distant, and somewhat hurting memories I had, but that place was now erased of them, how peculiar. Really. Happiness is specific to people, like enzymes. You cant give person A's happiness to person B and expect person B to be happy. Sometimes it is not complementary, a person's happiness to the other. People who are too high up in the happiness then would not have known where to find me. It's cos I'm in a place they can't reach. A place they'd never know how, and even want to go. And while I was in there, the stereo flared a song that has been pretty special to me the last 3 months. All it takes is a little magic to change one's perceptions of a place long ago chucked into your bad memories. I'd like to come again.

おぼろげな日

2009-09-11T23:03:00.000+08:00

微笑してあなたとのちょうどあることおよびもらうことは私を幸せにさせた。

それは私が不安だったのに、私に心の安らぎを持って来た。

あなたとあなたとのちょうどあることおよび歩くことは私を幸せにさせた。

私達が一緒になかったのに、一緒にある。

それらは実際におぼろげな日の跡である。

Chevalier

2009-09-10T22:33:00.000+08:00

The lack of something so obvious did give me some peace. I did not see that bright glow in the sweltering heat of the midday sun. I felt safe. What can I say? I feel a fugitive. All deeds catch up to their doers, likely.

Quoi qu'il en soit, je me sens comme parler du Chevalier. J'avais l'habitude d'être un Chevalier à mon Cheri. Je donnerais mes tous pour elle. oui, tous les jours swasbuckling d'olde du YE des rapières, epees, et sabres. duels. Noblesse, il semble, est tout au sujet d'honneur. Je me suis battu en duel pour l'honneur - et plus ainsi. Ahh, j'ai gagné une partie du temps, mais pas vraiment ce que j'ai souhaité se produirait. Kendo contre l'art autoritaire de la combat en duel d'épée. J'ai pris la combat en duel d'épée, il ai fait un peu de kendo à la place. Nous avons lutté pour prouver notre supériorité, et à la fin, impasse. Impasse Mexicaine, combien triste. Améliorez si elle était vraiment de finition et arrangée de façon ou d'autre. Mais tout dans le passé. Aucun point alors ?

petit guide de SA pour combattre le duel d' d'en épée. Par exemple :

Voyez la belle fille? Mais quelqu'un d'autre l'aime ! triangle d'amour de SA déjà !

Tradition dans l'ère romantique: combat pour elle.

Oui, le combat en duel est également ouvert de femmes. Est-ce que quelqu'un vous a insulté ? Quelque chose vous tracassant ? Quelqu'un vous aiment ? Prenez un sabre et poussez ! La magie peut être employée aussi ! Les règles incombent toutes à vous. Dessiner d'abord le sang ? Duel à la mort ? Arrangez-la alors ! Haha…

Le Français est une si belle langue. la langue de l'amour. Et guerre. Tout est juste dans l'amour et la guerre… Au moins il était, pour moi oh il y a le temps tellement long.

cent

2009-09-07T17:19:00.000+08:00

but did you too?

Happy century.

Thanatos - because it's painless

2009-08-29T23:38:00.000+08:00

Note title.

I'm going nuts. I would like to jump off a high roof. And fly, all badass.
But no suicide.

2009-08-26T21:38:00.000+08:00

I cant help but notice quality of service really sucks more and more with each day. Don't call it service man. It sucks so much to not be called service - call it despotism. I am so pissed that i could write more.

I want to start a spin-off!

A teaser...

I saw Mother slumped over her pine desk with her face in a sodden text. The air rank of whiskey and brandy from the bottles littering Mum and Dad's study. Judging from the number of bottles, I reckoned Mother must have had cleared the whole stock since I was gone. I approached her and laid my quaking hand on her shoulder. The whole situation seemed so strange and unfamiliar. Here mum was in a mess, and Dad was nowhere to be seen, when he would be cuddling her whenever she was not feeling up to standard.

"Mum," I whispered before the books fell onto the floor with several thuds.

My mother's arms were around me in an instant. "Rin!" she called my name, choking on her tears and whiskey. My body froze and remained stubborn to my fears. I feared that in her inebriation, just any of her advanced spells would come loose and erase my existence. She pulled me slightly farther apart from herself and focused her bloodshot eyes onto my alert ones.

"You're scaring me, Mum," I said unconsciously. "Please..."

Before I could finish my plea, she pulled me closer again.

"Rin, I won't hurt you, dear," she comforted. "I know how to control myself around those drinks... But Rin, I'm so sorry; I've tried every spell to stop it happening since..." she sobbed.

"What?"

"Your father's been killed."

I couldn't believe my ears. I couldn't believe my mother. He had been the gracious father
to myself, and to Mum the loving husband. I simply sobbed into my mother's robe and let the smell of the alcohol overwhelm me.

When we had both stopped crying and realised that only mother and daughter remained, dependent on each other to forge on with our existence. My father's blood would be paid for in full. I would count on it, on every tool and spell I would use to see that goal to the end.

"Mum," I asked while helping her to her feet,"who did it?"

2009-08-22T15:09:00.000+08:00

I read something very,very old. Suprise it's still here after a year.happy 1st anniversary, oh inspirational piece of art. It did stuff to me. It stripped off all my doubts and made me the full-fledged cynic i am today. so cynical as to have had a dinner with myself (complete with green tea). i am nearly always beside myself.

i have no more to say then,cuz ppl lose their patience for waiting for that absolution.

just, dont.

Birthdays and the like. and to cheering up.

2009-08-18T14:06:00.000+08:00

I remember how I spent 18/08/08. It was fun, but I admit (on hindsight) that I got kinda crazy too in regards to how i had dinner to celebrate somebody's birthday.

Happy belated to my cuz CJS, while I'm at it.

This time, perhaps daresay I: much better, thanks everybody.

I'm hoping to write more too. Sew away, plot. I'm ecstatic to see what comes outta the good ol' plot maker.

haeppie~~~~~ PFFFT.

2009-08-09T17:09:00.000+08:00

Wouldnt you like to know what I did on national day last year? Pffft. I watched the parade, as any singaporean would. The question is: what was i doing during all those commercial breaks? I'll tell you: I was being watched. And i stupidly let it remain as such!

Looking back on it, I'd say it was a terrible time for me. But i suppose times are viewed as how one chooses to see them. The gist of this is that people see things differently. So, as I saw, there wasnt any silicon dioxide and aluminium, or copper, or titanium. (blame my taking chem hl) Since it was such, I took the road less travelled by. And it has made all the difference. (That is english hl for you. english hl ftw.) I am so sorry. Ahh, shallow me. The deep,sentiMENTAL, poet/writer/mangaka actually isnt so deep after all, at this rate. Ah well. wish me luck, and I'll wish you luck. Do me a favour, and I'll do you a favour. But....

love me, and i'm sorry i cant. it occured to me that you like what i like, but you didnt have what i liked.

look on the bright side. the martian alien might be better, ya know. he might protect you with his uber-cool RAY GUN...haha.

Happy national day.

(dan happy king ma to kung fu cheers)

Enjoy them FIREWERKZ.

halfsies

2009-08-03T23:19:00.000+08:00

Hopefully, this is a better start to the week. Yeah. Much stuff done and accounted for, but I still need to do other stuff to catch up as well. And much thanks to all who helped this to happen in some way or another. Big things take long times to clear up, but I daresay some better milestones have been reached.

Hopefully when more mess is cleared up, I can go back to writing. So little time.....

2009-07-31T23:47:00.000+08:00

Things certainly are boiling up at home, here. My head seriously hurts. And more. Why cant people just lay back on the cursing? Is condemnation really so fun on others? Living in fear, day after day...

I need to hide a knife or something.

Paradox Paradigm

2009-07-30T23:20:00.000+08:00

I spent much of my day in adrenaline rush. No, never been able to count my pulse. Too busy. Only after nice dinner and dessert, and going home with my work done, then has my heart gone to rest. Flipping finally. Adrenaline rush, also beacuse its almost over a year since.... A lot of stuff happened. Then close shaves too. Fate turned out so different just for a lack of SiO2. Lawlz.

The titular paradox is quite a paradox for one such as me to deal with. What am i to do? Naturally, some things people must dispense off. Else it will just rot away inside, without its upkeep. Thanatos in all its glory.

ever cry, ever life

Tissue paper-thin

2009-07-27T22:57:00.000+08:00

Well, this is it. 1 year has passed. And so, I wish happy anniversary. No gifts in particular save for downing 3 bottles of green tea (at MY cost, so doesn't count as a gift), and also got 'scolded' a fair deal by the rest of the Quartet. And others too. Bring on the scolding... I'm jaded and cynical. Blame my low luck rating - E. That accounts for all the bad shit that happened since 17/09/1992. honestly, i shouldnt even be here, existing.

The nature of one's origins, or at least their motivations and guiding principles. Consider mine - Detachment. the nature of death (of the soul/heart) is something some people have explored. At least for the darker ones. Besides happy anniversary, I must too wish happy 1st birthday to my evil, yin split-personality. Or birthday is a little inaccurate, so let it be happy 1st freedom anniversary.

2009-07-25T08:59:00.001+08:00

Sometimes we feel surrounded by problems on all sides. Also, feeling totally helpless in such a predicament. And thankfully, most of the time, we'd be able to overcome them. But there would then go a cycle of stuff, so its natural, so it's life.

Unknown for the most part, it was very much isolated. Nobody around really cared much of appreciating that folorn building. And then, a group of adventurers erm, adventured into it. They did much help there. Much of it, at least for a while. I would suppose it got forgotten, perhaps. Because things change. The focus shifted, as with in change. People hate change. years of growing up under home conditions do make an impact on one's psyche. I've gotten quite used to the isolation thing, perhaps. Maybe not.

Caffeine and responsibility

2009-07-20T23:04:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we feel totally surrounded by problems. Quote me as example. Ergh. It's a question of...choice indeed. I'd put another poem, but time is as always against me.

Really,it is.

And,time to squish my hands together and recite. too bad,that y'all would only hear it later. sigh....... i am thirsty. coke, anybody?

ever the techophobe.

2009-07-13T21:09:00.000+08:00

I happened to chance on my old blog, just a little glimpse of the past. It's shut down for now. And i remember how silly the layout looked, just gawdy coloured. Not that it matters now. Chronicling the somewhat vague memories of late 08, for a not so long but eventful period.

It shouldnt be a suprise that I'm being scolded and stuff. I have a right to be scolded like this, from a certain point of view. just...carry on lah.

The question of responsibilities and silly shit can....only be seen...much much later. Please may I do reasonably well for whatever exams (however pointless). and to you mindless drone, you oversentient cyborg, i flip my middle finger at you.i hope to prove you wrong and dismantle you.that'd put machines in their rightful,granted place.end of story.

maybe i should dedicate my life to God Almighty and hunt down deranged, self-aware, oversentient bio-mechanical beings with a bunch'a holy swords and guns. me, ever the technophobe.

Life is never normal at the Arthurian court

2009-07-12T14:31:00.000+08:00

enjoy the seat.....

Said seat is a blessing and a curse. Think of it as Knights of the Round Table, the Seat Perilous. Unlike Arthur's Knights, filling up said seat will not signal the doom of the Table. Not quite much of a doom, but maybe change. What exactly, I can't be sure. I mean, only one loyal knight has filled it once before, but that's all. He's failed to obtain the Holy Grail. This much we know.

It is a blessing to help. It is a blessing to see others' happiness. But doomed is his happiness, he who seats. Long will others' joy live, at the cheap expense of one's. Wisdom is a gift, and loneliness is it's married curse.

Sir Galahad, I salute thee, courageous knight, on your appointment (though it was pretty much a long time ago, and this one's just to make it official). Long live the King! (*ahem*, FSN fans)

Enjoy... the seat Perilous.

oh.

2009-07-11T00:03:00.000+08:00

I'd like to add a few chapters. haha. but i'm watching movies again late into the night. its nice anyway.....they are all nice. oh, do i happen to be somewhat more alert? blame the caffeine.... i do not... give a sheet of napkins.

and, ooh, i happen to be trope surfing too...its for my writing.

Squish.

2009-07-07T14:03:00.000+08:00

Whoosh, I let myself soak in the rain. No umbrella, duh? and i was listening to music, again. I'm so addicted. But, I'm afraid I can't share summa my fav songs to some ppl. Piracy, hahah. actually, i just might feel that it does not fit for some ppl.

some ppl like noisy, and i cant give them quiet. It's anathema to them. Ideology difference. Just... wrong. I reckon somebody could have known too.... Music and studying. and more music.heheheheh.as if.

And my memory is good for crazy things... but not important things like exams and mugging. if i were looking at myself, i'd flip myself off, no doubt.

Time to squish some sarcasm...

Go for the COMA!

2009-07-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

It seems that I'm standing in the middle of some sandstorm and all the sand and stuff is blowing about.. It's been happening in my dreams recently. Emo stuff that is. Is it a representation of my cold detachment? I've caught myself staring blankly with some cold gleam that says.... 'the past sucks. i don't care now.'

It's not too long off. Would anyone bother?? NO~ cuz.... cuz..... #@$%@%@#@*%*^!^)*(^)(^@*()%*(%&*@%&^@&%^&*%*@%&*^@$%*^@^*%. something's gone, it totally is. Hahahaha.

I am so done here.

Would that i really did follow up to that... would that i really did.

Thank you.

That was a sword. not a word, it's a sword. and its AN ALL NEW IMPROVED SWORD WITH TWO EDGES FOR TWICE THE VIOLENCE. me and abstract, just go REALLY WELL.

More...

2009-07-03T22:44:00.000+08:00

Yes, more. I was surfing the net again out of boredom. Randomly started song-hunting again, being such a music addict nowadays. Lyrics went in the hunt too. Then for this one song, I was like "Sacred Feces!"

Yes, more 'sacred feces' again. FML? Nah, only if you consider chem exams. Then in that case, it will be FML. But, i dont want to get reminded of chem. Nope, never.

The connections between sickness and vigor.

2009-07-03T17:05:00.000+08:00

I'm pumped with some blogging spirit for now.

And pumped with chaotic, stormy, beat-heavy music. Here's the topic. I must admit, copyright crap that I dont care about. Well, I have a slightly different view. Well, you'd best understand, for your own good. I knew, I did know. Maybe when things all go according to plan, when eyes are opened. Then, i shall see the renenging. It's not a bad thing. Blame my random caffiene-fuelled imagination. It's been supplying me with words to write, but at the same time, it's tearing me up all the same.

But, I really felt like putting in these quotes (by various imaginary people) below. I think they're cool and emotional. But those quotes will be a long way to come. I hope they'll come quickly as I write. Think of it as a movie trailer, with these lines coming in order listed below, with cool music playing.

"So this is what I've become... I've betrayed my love with evil deeds."

"I... caused more hurt than help... forgive me..."

"Cheer up. I'm sure this will blow over in time. I'll stake everything on it. I promise to see my friend recover completely. Won't you?"

"Long time no see..."

"You..."

"I can't take it anymore..."

"Whatever. I'm keeping this oath till I die."

"Stop! Stop! Stop! STOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!"

"I don't want.. to die like this..."

Centers of Gravity

2009-06-30T23:37:00.000+08:00

I missed a few posts, but heck. After getting the wind knocked out of me, I'm probably better so there might be a bit less emo posts now. I've changed the music on the blog, but i guess it's still stormy and chaotic. But, that's my mind. It's very dark? I might be able to get around that. Finishing my book will close everything that has been overpoweringly - overpowering. I hope so.

Anyway, this is post 81.

Hellheim

2009-06-27T16:30:00.000+08:00

Hellheim is the old Norse for Hell. That's actually where we got English word 'hell'. I took a nice dive into something not quite HH, but it's still nerve-wracking. I am not given to easy cowardice, but this takes the cake. At least, that adrenaline rush is over, as of yesterday evening. Yay, but i still need a miracle for tests.

I keep looking, yet reality urges this: nothing's there.

2009-06-25T21:55:00.000+08:00

I will... sigh.yeap, i guess that statement's correct. i'm as usual, being hunted (sorta). even with the 'sorta', i think it sucks to be 'hunted'. like a fugitive. ..... well. it's always been fun to break those rules. i'm trapped, as usual.... i could be trying to save myself. Yes, i could. but what then am i doing here, blogging away and staring off into space, wasting time while the gestapo isafter me?

Why..?

It is because I choose to be.

Copyright AngelZeroMatt, Deviantart

i'm sick of this.

2009-06-24T19:09:00.000+08:00

I can't do anything here; I'm helpless with regards. Fascist gestapos loot the spoils of war, raping and pillaging. Ugly teeth in misshapen faces give their snarls of relish as they capitulate, on the weakness that is me. woe is me, woe is us all. where is the hope that kept us going? where was the promised victory? is it still a long way to go? the sky cries as its freedom is forcibly concealed, dusting out the worn out, dry hope in us. may swords and daggers fly; may darkness ever depart; may the lovers love forever more; may the new dawn show from the east; and may it all, it all be forgotten.

Symphony in the Moonlight

2009-06-20T20:31:00.001+08:00

There's been quite abit of inspiration these days. Lovely music to listen to, maybe that's why. but as ever, the storm of emotions. eh, doesnt help much if i'm listening to grandiose symphonic. But it's awesome awesome awesome. more awesome than just now. grandiose stuff ftw. yay for my obsession with grand, stately, nice-looknig stuff.

Ahh.... i am saddled with a lot of problems, as always. but....music at night....fine...call me emo. whats the deal of listening to music at night? So what if the moon and the sky look nice? Yeah, that's right. nature ftw. but not rainforests and mud. Is disgusting.

Anyway, the night sky is beautiful. Serenade away, sing a song, for the moon looks really really nice.

World Lit and Anime Adaptations: the Connection

2009-06-19T22:45:00.000+08:00

random post on new game fate unlimited codes. i managed to get a hold of it. Hmm, nothing much to say, doesnt matter much except for Rider, haha!

Rider a.k.a. Medusa ftw. Let new age pop culture leave Medusa as a beauty rather than beast. Interesting way of making her the victim of fate.

But, also interesting character to note here, is Caster, or Medea. I like the way she's potrayed. Elven facial features? That contributes to the character being of demi-goddess heritage, haha. The elevation of the woman Medea over the puny Jason, who couldn't do shit on the Argo trip. That's Euripedes' Medea. One of 3 Ancient Hellenistic Feminist Characters. Atalanta, Medusa, Medea. Ahh, World Lit here we come....

75 posts

2009-06-17T23:44:00.000+08:00

This blog is getting to be rather long..... The longest so far cuz the rest lasted 2 months, or 4 months, tops? But i'm blocked. So, the blogs were like my life story? Its like a novel, only weirder. Where's the story's fun, if its all been the same for the last 1.5 years? haha. epic jokes. more epic jokes.

freakshow

2009-06-14T15:24:00.000+08:00

Here i was, listening to music to chase away the boredom of bio. *shudders*
I hit shuffle, and by the end of that song, i was like: Holy S**t. damn zun.

Back to topic, eh, i am freaked out. *shudders*. i regret those deviant ambitions i made,what with playing God and stuff. argh. its freaky now that i think about it. a good dosage of medicine for crap way in the months of late 2008. *shudders some more*

no more poison, no more doctors, no more medicine, no more clowns, no more wicked instruments, no more wierd accents. no more. get out, freak.

research

2009-06-12T21:16:00.001+08:00

I did some research and random reading up. It did turn out some interesting stuff to me regarding the nature of many things indeed. but enough with the kurotsuchi stuff. after all, research and science stuff scares the living hell out of me. Like freaking gestapo knocking on your door. or kempetai. whatever. having all that secret polices and spy networks scares me.

This music relates to reminiscence. Try listening to it at the beach in the wee hours of 4 - 6 am in the morning, it will sound even sweeter. And, it seems i listen to this song a lot, cos it do talk to me heart a lot. or do i listen to it way too much? This is after all nostalagia-inducing music.

Ooh blessed random!

2009-06-08T21:33:00.000+08:00

Wiston Churchill was wary of Hitler before the Second World War. What did World War 2 do to the world? Well.... leave it up to history students. What if Winston Churchill got Hitler taken down before? A happy ending maybe , an alternate history thing, some new fad i just got into. Eh, i'd like to try.

taking out the trash

2009-06-07T16:21:00.001+08:00

i am back from wow. i am, finally clean. no more nightmare toilets. hahahaha.

How'd it go? How'd i get thru it? I spent most of the time alone in thought. consider acting on the advice of friends. maybe ppl do have a point.

I came home 12 hours after i landed. Woot. I need to catch up, take out the trash. Taking out the trash, sounds cool. taking out the trash reminded me, why i needed to get on back to singapore. taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash,taking out the trash. haiiiya banzai.

Got my character designs in mind already. This will be kick ass.

A post so long it will lag you.

2009-05-29T21:49:00.000+08:00

Slacked off in school, and i'm trying to mentally prep myself for wow. Wow, ever a nightmare to sivilised folks. lol. i cant wait to finish this and return to sivilisation as Huck finn puts it. egad, hillbilly. I still got so much to do....!!!!

Spam vidoes, that it lags the comp.

HitsuHina ftw! is purely <3 not so much a fan of the Hitsumoto. lol. shotacon alert!

This is ShunNan. Also a very cute bleach shipping! Librarian/secretary and slacked-off hippy dude. Kawaii.

Byakuya.

I want to post somethign on DA, but looks like i have to go. Tmr morning then.

...

2009-05-28T22:54:00.000+08:00

i can say today went on slack with the group 4 project. Thank you everybody who helped one another out. finished school early, so i gtfo'ed before anybody could catch me. So get home scot free and yadda yadda yadda. Now with all the flu hype and wow just a day away. I'm awful in a mess. It's so so so bad.

I should have just died.

Thoughts in a Toilet

2009-05-26T19:20:00.000+08:00

I gave madam an excuse, and stumbled off to the toilet next door.
Within, the fortune of solitude worth a million.
A cough, and the silver and glass looked a Cthulu.
The redeeming ebony of matured intellect ever visible to all.
What have I done? Only thrill that the fleeing know too well
Upped my confidence, forklifted my spirits ever low and heavy.
I gave a whoop of laughter, ringing thru the hygiene hall.

Sequels

2009-05-26T19:10:00.000+08:00

Officially, i must take back everything i said between the hours of 6.30am and 7.30am. I am ashamed. I was this close. This close.

A victory has been won against death, in the midst of the falling rain of Emo Mood. It's just a battle, not the war. Reminds me of the old poem i wrote: 'DEATH at One-Two-Oh-Oh Hours'. 'Cept, it was One-Three-Oh-Oh Hours this tiem round. Sequels, sequels.

The world around me is - Emo.

2009-05-24T22:15:00.000+08:00

We all live in an emo submarine
emo submarine
we all live in an emo submarine

Me and my old musical tastes. Yep, it looks like we all are living in 1 big emo submarine. I see emo posts, very often these few days. Can't say i'm not posting emo, eh? That would make me a hypocrite! Yes, even it gets to me.

It is hard to narrate all the emo stuff related to me, its just too much. Alternatively, one could say i still hide a lot. so, what you see here, is super-toned down sortsa emo stuff. Even if the blogskin is black. what's ppl got against black blogskins? with right fonts and designs, it looks good wad.

Back to more emo, heheh. I am making SUCH a joke of myself just about now. I'm scared of science, i'm scared of my father's decisions, and i'm scared of other things else (unable to cram into here). I simply quail, and quail and quail. I'm shivering as the hoarse heathen cries pry their way into my ears. And how all that is related to me buckles and falls, then i think i am a failure, as do all the other emo ppl.

I wish and salute everyone of my friends who are emo; that u guys all feel lifted and better, out of whatever that may be emo-ifying us all. to walk a little taller. May it be, that we can all live in a yellow submarine. Beatles, ftw. As do all other music i like too. (I'm not that old fashioned.)

p.s.I re-involved myself with shipping, again. Gives me a warm fuzzy feeling pushing for the cute pairings i favour...even if i dont get shipped, for real. Hitsuhina, Uryhime, Shunnan, Lenallen, ArcheRin, SakuRider, Naruhina. all ftw.

Yeah, yeah.

2009-05-22T21:45:00.000+08:00

could as well count today as not suay yay. no sciences expect 40 mins of chem. Gosh, why do i hate my subjects so much? Why did i take them? Just so my dad can mae a Dilbert out of me. For me to have no life, to get stuck in rat races in the coporate world?

Ah well, i dint get into trouble today, so i can say its a good break, at last. For your viewing pleasure, folks.

and, a poem, maybe?

hordes

2009-05-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

I'd never expect so many misfortunes at once. Barbarians and evil intelligent villians DO NOT GO HAND IN HAND. i don't like scary barbarians with tattoos and wicked weapons and roaring battlecries. Be glad that it's gonna be friday. Weekend and i can go read the latest manga chapters.

They say count your blessings, old people n' all.
So young ones as i am will blindly go.
I've counted my blessings, my gifts -
from life and from pain.

Fear gave me wings. I flew.
Anger gave me strength temporal. I blew.
Hopelessness gives me a struggle. I try.
Love gave me nothing. I die.

Give me something good to write, some inspiration. My gift to whom my trusted friends are. A story as only the deeply-insane can make. Who knows? My inner self told me this, as qoted by gandalf. Fly, you fool!

p.s. i just need more cas hours.

Basic anime

2009-05-17T21:15:00.000+08:00

a quick little review on new game Bleach Heat the Soul 6.

New character: Septima Espada Zommari Leroux

This guy makes my gaming life hell. Cheats and cheats and cheats. he's tough on defense, and helluva fast for some big dumb buff bodybuilder martial artist guy. Owned my fav characters for the game and humiliated me. He shall never be forgiven. I practice on him and beat him up as best as i can, cos he's that annoying.>=(

Sad how they dont have ulqiourra's release. there's always bleach 7, hopefully with full espada roster with releases. stpuid old men/lich-kings.

once i get bleach hts 7, whoa yeah..... this senile bastard's gonna get it from me..... cant wait to see his (f)ugly face so i can poke out his remaining eye and do a victory dance. on his old arthritic back. then send him in a wheelchair (paralysed from the neck down) to 'old people happy paradise home for the aged' and stuff. hah.

that's a wrap for now. i shall put up a walkthrough for the game if anybody wants.
now,school awaits. to my utter disappointment.

drabbling

2009-05-13T22:32:00.000+08:00

saga by Mad-Mangaka Ishige

just an exile, just a holiday.
just a whisper, just some tea.
realise,and understand. enjoy.
sleep... a story first...
and tomorrow the red land is red -
literally. climbing up and up and up.
a fan in the hand and a sword in the heart;
an enemy is dead. the rest run and
resting the unlikely both,
unaware. hand to mouth, that's what;
only later will bloody nights fall at the end.
at the end they were caught
in the fangs of the conflict.
when vampires have returned.

a romantic interlude.

2009-05-12T22:47:00.000+08:00

wishing Yuki and Ice happy anniversary. And happy seventeenth to ice-kun, at the same time. You are smart.... very smart. stay together thru it all, you two.

the garrison.

Its right at the end

2009-05-11T21:38:00.000+08:00

On a random note, this blog now has 21 more posts than my old one. My old blog.... Whats there to say of it? It's dead for good. It held old painful memories. It held the writings of a divided mind, of an utterly confused and near-schizophrenic person. That person, was Yours Truly. Wasn't expecting that weren't you all?

To put it simply what happened, I went on a hike to Bukit Timah hill. Tiring, leaves my ankles all cramped. And i think my right wrist too. I can still draw, in fact i designed a notebook cover yesterday. I think, it looks great. heheh. Now onto writing. Breaks in writer's block are hard to come by these days, thanks to homework. Now, did i forget anything?

Just in want of something.

2009-05-10T17:39:00.000+08:00

This looks waaaaay cool. it's Ciel of Tsukihime fame. Somebody help me get this!!!!

Damnable words.

2009-05-09T21:32:00.000+08:00

I might, or might not know who exactly said that to you. But i wish them not to happen, evar. May it light forever. No taint, no tears. No pain. This, for you, is where the pained road ends. New beginnings. New beginnings call for new road. This new one, just is good all long. I am glad to know, that at least, i did do something good for others after all. Even if it was once through something just so damnably damnable. So... full of time's passing. Ahh. Free will, blessing and curse. Altruistic on my part, or ethical egoism? I want to say altruistic. Really want to.

Day and night.. But i pick night. The night sky is beautiful.

Blue is the night sky. Cool moon, btw.

2009-05-08T23:05:00.000+08:00

Just the calcium. Gotta love it. One week. Over. I'm tired. Not enough, anyway.

Finally, the end to writer's block. Long weekend = more writing. Got my characters down, now i would like to draw. Very cool, i think. Ego, heheh. I'm a hypocrite. Sue me then... I think my characters are kick ass. Boooyea. Not your usual spiky-haired-cool-Cloud-esque guys, at least for some. Some other guy characters seem quite Cloud-like, while some arent. And yeah, female characters, hmmm i say theres a variety. Evil and jealous, or just silent and dutiful. And pretty, for some.

Empty halls, blood, and erm. Vampires? Morbid me..... Night is so..... nighty. My kinda environment. I need more cool inspirational stuff.

Fu-fu-fu-French.

2009-05-07T22:41:00.000+08:00

The place is getting dark.

Doesn't help that i happen to be playing hymn-esque music. Reminds you of one of those basilicas or cathedrals in Rome and stuff. But its kinda cool to see the solemn halls - eh,i think im going crazy/random. Yet again.

French traditions, i think I like French names, they sound realy cool. Not the usual names, but the more rare names. Sounds very kickass. Kickass French stuff. Swords. I feel inspired. Bye block. Heheh. Cool ^^

I realised, while blog surfing

2009-05-05T22:28:00.000+08:00

Looking back on something, i realise something that i seemed to have missed out. Turns out...

...That fate could end up different, namely revolving around a very simple set of tools or everyday materials. Yes. Just one thing,maybe, while i would try to think up other sortsa stuff,while it was right in front of me all along.

How an animal makes a step into humanity, or even demi-godhood as with the likes of Greek myth (Medusa, Medea, Thesus, Achilles). How that could have happened, with just a little bit of SiO2 and polymered hydrocarbon. Might wanna throw in Fe, Al, or Ti if you like.

Alas, fate is fate. I cant do anything about it, so there. Time to go...